The world is a changed place - 2nd May 2020

Change.

That was the last post I made here before today.

That was on 8th January 2018. Almost 2.5 years ago.... and you may be wondering why I have not written or posted for such a long period of time?

Well kiddo.... The world is a changed place now. A lot has definitely happened. I'm not even sure where to begin....

(Prepare yourself, this one's gonna be a doozy of a long post. It's 2.5 years of update in as much as I can squeeze in and remember!)

Let's just do a quick update on you and your sister, Harper. You kids are my heart and soul. I love you both so much you will never understand because no words I put down here will ever convey how much you two kids mean to me.

You are now 6 and a half years old, and a wonderful, intelligent, smart, witty little kid. A boy who adores reading and is incredibly amazing at it. Your reading skills and comprehension far surpasses what I believe for a 6 yo level. You seem to love science, and how things work so I love that naturally geeky part of you. I just love it. And Aunty Lu and I will always try to encourage this. The natural tendency for you to try to work things out, to want to know things, to want to understand how everything works. I love that. I hope you never lose that.

As for Harper, she is now 4. Both of you are cheeky monkeys. Gorgeous and intelligent but extremely different in personalities. She's sassy, loud and fearless. You are loud, intellectual, bossy but cautious. And both are you are at the most gorgeous naive, pure self right now. Just sponges of info. And I miss you both when I don't see you for longer than a week... and for now, we are in the biggest health crisis the world has ever seen in history, so everyone around the world is in lockdown. No word of exaggeration. I'm sure you will learn about this in history one day. But more on that later...

You have both grown and learnt so much, there is no possible way for me to document the most crucial part of the past 2.5 years. And that makes me sad. But, you will understand when I explain a little more further down.

You and Harper, the lights of my life. Which is why I couldn't motivate myself enough to write happy glowing things or deeply sad and depressing news... but it is now time for you to understand what has happened over the past 2 years...

January 2018, the start of something very exciting in my life
January 2018, your dad's best man committed suicide, life is a dark place sometimes
March 2018, the worst experience in my professional career, and quitting my new job even though I loved it
April 2018, the worst possible thing that could happen, happened, a very bad car accident
May 2018, what I thought was the worst possible thing that could happen was wrong. I was very very wrong because this was the worst thing that could've happened.
The rest of the year went by in a blur...

I took over some of the babysitting duties so that your maternal grandparents didn't have too much on their plate. Besides, I knew that I would never get that time back. I wanted to spend as much time as I could whilst I wasn't working with my 2 favourite people in the world. I sure hope you remember that period in time. It practically saved my life, spending time with you and Harper.

Change.

Last year I made a bold decision to resign from a secure and stable job to take a much-earned break before searching for my next new challenge.

It was not an easy decision to risk the security of a full-time job, with colleagues whom I respect and admire deeply and leave a company that has given me countless opportunities to grow and develop professionally without another role lined up.

However, after much introspection and 8 years of giving my all to the job, the company, and everyone around me, I realised that the only person I was neglecting was myself. Change needed to happen.

Change is scary... there is always the thought of "what if it doesn't work out? What if this is the worse decision of my life? What if this is the biggest regret I'll remember?" Yes, change is scary. The uncertain path and unpredictable future seems to hold many people back. But change is not necessarily a bad thing. Regret is a bad thing and people rarely regret things that they've done, only things that they haven't done. And if I didn't take this step today, I will forever regret not taking the step and wondering what would've happened "if only I had...."

It had always brought me a great sense of pride to be able to identify and develop potential future leaders in a company. To see these future leaders progress and grow in their career, knowing that I might have helped play a tiny part in their growth is a feeling like no other.

And so I worked hard to chase this feeling. I didn't want to regret not giving it a go. It was important that my next job had to feel 100% right. I forced myself not to jump into just any other role, something that was more difficult than it seems when consider the situation that I was in.

I am single, I have no kids but I have a mortgage and bills to pay. I have elderly parents that I financially support. I have university fees to pay. A girl needs to live.... and I have nobody to rely on but myself. It was not an easy decision to quit, and it was certainly not an easy decision to be super selective about my next role, but I am fortunately privileged enough to be able to make such choices. 

And I do not regret it. Not one single ounce.

I have worked hard to build the career that I have and the life that I lead. And I have finally found the next logical and suitable role for me. One that will enable me to further grow and lead, as well as grow the future leaders of our world. I am proud of my achievements. And I am proud of my choices.

I'm glad I made that choice last year. I needed to and I needed it.

Now, I am beyond thrilled at the next challenge that I am faced with and I have my sleeves rolled up, ready to tackle whatever comes my way!

2018 Reset

My last reflection wished for a reset button... well, as hopeful and unlikely as that may be, I have done the best that I can do in my own power. I am starting a new job, in a new company, in a new field completely. It's a massive step. To say I'm excited, proud, anxious is perhaps understating it.

I am proud of my achievements, what I have done to get to this point, I am glowing with excitement at the forthcoming challenges, but I am also brimming with uncertainty and fear.... what if I balls it up?

This is an inevitable thought. It's normal and expected.

Truth is, I probably will make some mistakes early on, but I know I will be incredible in this new job. I always am. My abilities are never the problem.

After 6 months of reset, rest and refresh. I have finally landed a dream job at the right kind of company. It took patience and a lot of work but I got there. If I'm truthful, the lack of opportunities and time of year (close to end of year) it was starting to wear down my confidence a little... but I'm glad it turned out how it has. end of 2017, end of the period, end of the past and 2018 signalling the new beginning that I craved so much for.

Here's to 2018! An exciting start to the new me.

Non sum qualis eram. I am not such as I was.

Not a good day

So I have not had a good day today.
I haven't had a good day in quite some time now... but today was a particularly bad 'not good' day. I just couldn't get myself to do anything. I could barely get out of bed...

But I don't have time for this. So to get myself out of this rut, I forced myself out of bed and sit in front of this computer and forced myself to study. But no luck. One day lost and wasted.

Very unproductive. My head is not in a good space right now.

And as the world would know... like attracts like, so all the sad, miserable songs appear to me and puts me in a worse space than before. What are you doing to me, World?!?!

Anyway, it's been over 6 years since I last touched this blog... that's what adulting does to ya. Keeps you from doing joyful things and instead do mundane shitty things that make your life boring and miserable.

It's been 6 years since MonsieurP disappeared from our lives... and it's been 8 years since Blue abandoned us, and 10 years since we left TheGoodMan - and I'm still not over it.

Blue came back into my life recently. And although I thought I had grown up enough, and grown stronger, and mentally tougher and gotten over it. I haven't. He still hurts my heart. More than I would care to admit out loud.

I guess this is what has brought on the super not a good day today.

I wish I had a reset button on my head and on my heart. Press reset. Clear that shit out and start fresh again.

I wish....

Skin - Rag'n'Bone Man

When I heard that sound

When the walls came down

I was thinking about you

About you

When my skin grows old

When my breath turns cold

I'll be thinking about you

About you

Seconds from my heart

A bullet from the dark

Helpless, I surrender

Shackled by your love

Holding me like this

With poison on your lips

Only when it's over

The silence hits so hard

'Cause it was almost love,

it was almost love

It was almost love,

it was almost love

When I heard that sound

When the walls came down

I was thinking about you

About you

When my skin grows old

When my breath turns cold

I'll be thinking about you

About you

When I run out of air to breathe

It's your ghost I see

I'll be thinking about you, about you

It was almost love, it was almost

We bleed ourselves in vain

How tragic is this game?

Turn around, 

you're holding on to someone

But the love is gone

Carrying the load, 

with wings that feel like stone

Knowing that we nearly fell so far now

It's hard to tell

Yeah we came so close, it was almost love

It was almost love, it was almost love

When I heard that sound

When the walls came down

I was thinking about you

About you

When my skin grows old

When my breath turns cold

I'll be thinking about you

About you

When I run out of air to breathe

It's your ghost I see

I'll be thinking about you, about you

While I reached out for your hand

When the walls were caving in

When I see you on the other side

We can try all over again

When I heard that sound

When the walls came down

I was thinking about you

About you

When my skin grows old

When my breath turns cold

I'll be thinking about you

About you

When I run out of air to breathe

It's your ghost I see

I'll be thinking about you, about you

'Cause it was almost love, it was almost love

It was almost love, it was almost love

(if you can't tell, I adore this song)

Someone like you - Adele

I heard that you're settled down,

That you found a girl and you're married now,

I heard that your dreams came true,

Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,

Old friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,

I had hoped you'd see my face,

And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,

I wish nothing but the best for you, too,

Don't forget me, I beg,

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,

Only yesterday was the time of our lives,

We were born and raised in a summer haze,

Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,

I had hoped you'd see my face,

And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,

I wish nothing but the best for you, too,

Don't forget me, I beg,

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,

No worries or cares,

Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,

I wish nothing but the best for you,

Don't forget me, I beg,

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,

I wish nothing but the best for you, too,

Don't forget me, I beg,

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Sometimes it lasts in love,

But sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovesong (Cover) - Adele

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you